100 things not to do on cherub campus
by Alex stone
Summary: this is what happens when i drink 10 cans of coke in 12 hours i write some realy wierd stuff anyway so this is just some stuff that u shouldn't do on cherub campus but hae i would if i was there.


I am not allowed to roll down the corridors humming the James Bond theme tune.  
2. Telling Red Shirts that Large's Rottweiler's "Love cuddles" is not smart and not funny.  
3. Zara doesn't appreciate being referred to as "M"  
4. Referring to Bruce's teddy as his "Big Blue Lover" is very distasteful.  
5. Hitting instructors with spades is expressly forbidden.  
6. Kerry, Dana and Lauren are not your "angels"  
7. The different shirts are not your "houses" you aren't allowed to refer to them as such.  
8. The mission preparation building is not your "banana"  
9. Miss Takada is not a geisha and she will not dance for you.  
10. Spreading those sorts of rumours about Large and Kyle is not permitted.  
11. I am not allowed to ask Mac what's under his kilt  
12. Andy Lagan is not a punch bag no matter what James Adams may have told you.  
13. I am not allowed to show any Red Shirts how their pet can be made a Biker mouse from Mars.  
14. I will not refer to Chloe as "the Work experience girl"  
15. I will not refer to mission briefings as "master plans"  
16. Asking why Large is named large while staring at his crotch is not appreciated.  
17. I must not tell Orange shirts I "Can't talk to David Dickinson"  
18. James Adams may be a chav but asking if he wants to "Knife some hoes" with you is unacceptable.  
19. Lock guns should not be used to find your permanent record.  
20. I am not allowed to tell people I am a spy to score girls. They won't believe you and you get yourself into a lot of trouble.  
21. Stealing Amy's clothes from the changing room will be more trouble than it's worth.  
22. "Meatball ate my homework" will never get you off the hook.  
23. It isn't funny to present retiring agents cards with "Happy 65th birthday" on them.  
24. I am not allowed to keep a tally of how many of my friend's bones I have broken in the dojo.  
25. Rat does not want cages, treats or a wheel.  
26. It is not necessary to order every drink "shaken not stirred"  
27. We know you can hack your friend's email. Don't.  
28. Sticking lady birds to a target's back doesn't count as bugging them.  
29. Neither does continuously annoying them.  
30. Just because you have learnt to drive doesn't mean you should.  
31. "I've heard every possible joke about Barry Cox's name" is not a challenge.  
32. The "Do you have a little cherub in you? Do you want to?" joke is only funny the first time.  
33. Your digital camera doesn't work with "Mega pixies"  
34. Nicole should not be referred to as "cocaine Kate"  
35. Jokes about "handlers" have already been done and are no longer funny.  
36. I will not refer to Callum and Connor as "Bookends"  
37. I am not allowed to write my initials on people's backs with paint guns on training exercises.  
38. Ewart doesn't like to have the "E" dropped from the front of his name.  
39. Finding the rudest possibity for what CHERUB stands for is a waste of time.  
40. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "Background reading for a mission"  
41. Just because it's called the Boy's gym doesn't mean there won't be any girls there and so clothes are required.  
42. If an instructor gives you laps they don't want you to lick them.  
43. Getting crazy stalker girlfriends on missions is never clever.  
44. I will not under any circumstances ask Mac who died and made him boss.  
45. The graveyard isn't haunted by the ghost of Charles Henderson. It scares the Red shirts to suggest this.  
46. You may be asked to help a Blue shirt with a certain fear; this doesn't mean you can use them as a slave.  
47. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug an instructor day.  
48. I am not allowed to say "Hope you're not the fifth death!" To anyone going on a mission.  
49. Lauren has heard too many jokes about her and rodents. She doesn't need any more.  
50. I must not insist that a pink shirt should be added at every opportunity.

51. I am not allowed to interrupt Kerry during neighbours lest I get beaten to a pulp  
52. CHERUB does not have an "official song" and if it did those certainly wouldn't be the lyrics.  
53. Kidnapping unsuspecting children does not count as completing a recruitment mission.  
54. Jake does not love mud baths.  
55. "Ahoy Sailor!" is not the correct term of address for Navy shirts.  
56. Miss Smoke does not want to "smoke your pipe."  
57. I am not allowed to tell "yo' Mamma" jokes to James.  
58. Covering Mac with cheese doesn't make Mac 'n' cheese.  
59. I am not allowed to insist I am the Unintelligence minister for MI5  
60. Mac is not Mel Gibson and will not yell "FOOR FREEDOOOM!" for you.  
61. Gabrielle is not the daughter of, or related to Bob Marley so stop asking her for spiffs.  
62. The CHERUB training manual is not a coffee matt.  
63. I am not allowed to wear my "MEMBER OF HELP EARTH AND PROUD OF IT" T-shirt around campus.  
64. Just because it's called campus doesn't mean you can do "All that university jazz"  
65. I must not insist that the mission controllers are controlling our brains.  
66. Jokes about James and sewers do not go down well.  
67. It is not appropriate to yell "Free Show' every time Dana Smith walks into the mission control building.  
68. Cleaning my gun in the shooting range is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the shooting range is not.  
69. Dave moss is not a fungi and doesn't appreciate being sprayed with Herbicide.  
70. I am not allowed to lock agents in cupboards for extended amounts of time claiming they're on missions.  
71. I am not allowed to go and tell Alien obsessive's that a UFO crash landed on campus grounds.  
72. I must not insist that Naked Thursdays would be a good idea on the paintball range.  
73. The height obstacle is not a glorified jungle gym set. It should not be treated as such.  
74. Yosyp Kazakov is not a KBG agent. He doesn't need you following him around insisting otherwise.  
75. Just because Lauren's birth name is Onions doesn't mean she smells like them.  
76. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wondering the hallways.  
77. "Vodka" is not the answer to every question in Russian class.  
78. No matter how many languages you can say it in you shouldn't say it.  
79. James' name is not "The dark lord sir piddle pants" and should not be addressed as such.  
80. Writing nonsense for 10 pages isn't writing an essay in code.  
81. I am not allowed to re-set the GPSs to show campus being in the middle of the Scottish highlands.  
82. I am not allowed to continuously ask how white shirts get their whites so white.  
83. Just teaching the elements song doesn't count as teaching Science.  
84. I must not yell "I HAVE A BOMB!" when doing security checks.  
85. I must not leave incriminating evidence on my phone that might suggest I'm a secret agent.  
86. "Those poor souls" is not a good way to refer to agents in basic training.  
87. I must stop holding up every drink I am given and asking if it has been spiked.  
88. When asked in class what cutting the wrong wire on a bomb does, yelling "It does DEATH" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.  
89. The hostel is not simply there for you to smash up and should not be treated as such.  
90. If asked in administer an injection to a fellow agent it is not appropriate to tell them that it's deadly poison. Even if it is.  
91. I am not allowed to continuously present Zara and Mac with chairs.  
92. I am not allowed within 10 feet of the ethics committee.  
93. Miss Takada has never appeared in a Gwen Stefani video  
94. When there are reunions I must not point at random strangers and yell "DADDY!"  
95. As tempting as it is I must not punch Bethany in the face.  
96. Kyle may be gay but is not a cross dresser and therefore doesn't like being referred to as "Kylie"  
97. Advanced combat training doesn't make you a ninja.  
98. Press-ganging doesn't count as recruitment.  
99. Despite his appearance John Jones is not a bank manager and will not give you a mortgage.  
100. It is cruel to gain a girlfriend on every mission only to disappear into the sunset after the mission is over.


End file.
